But it hasn't. It's been months and it hasn't gotten better. And we were always going to worry about you when we found out, Rose.
[He looks away, a host of complicated emotions rising up, close to overwhelming him.]
And now... I don't- I don't know how much you'll have spoken to Takame since it all happened. I don't...know if he'll be speaking to people yet. Do you know what happened, between your death and your awakening?
If it helps, the first symptoms weren’t serious. I just couldn’t eat. I didn’t—-I never expected what happened at the carnival. If anything, I thought I would turn.
[it does not make it better. it does not make it better at all.]
I—-I have some idea. When I woke up in the crystal, I was aware. I couldn’t do anything, I kept trying to shout for him to notice me, I kept trying to tell him I was okay, but I was trapped. I know that he was in a panic, and then he almost ran off before—-
[She doesn’t want to say it, so she looks away:]
I’m sorry, Maxima. That you had to go through all that.
"Just" couldn't eat. And- if you thought you were in danger of turning, why would you say nothing?!
[Did she learn nothing from the Final Days, from watching people turn to monsters in the midst of crowds of innocents? Would she really accept that sort of ending, just to save her friends a few months of justified concern?]
Rose...Takame wanted to find your body. To use the crystal to put your soul back into it.
[He doesn't know that that's how the Scions were brought back from the First, but maybe Rose can guess why Takame hoped that might work.]
To keep him from running away into the jungle and getting killed the same way you had been, I had to give him orders. As an officer to a conscript.
[He looks away again, curling in on himself.]
If he never forgives me for that, he'd be justified.
If it got to that point, I thought it would be easier for me to leave. That way, none of you all would have to see. You wouldn't have to worry you could've done something to stop it.
[When she says it that way, it seems kind of stupid.]
[Because it is.]
I-I know. I wasn't sure it was you, but I could hear someone from outside the crystal.
[Being a small rock gives you a limited range of hearing, it turns out. But it doesn't stop you from feeling, and it doesn't stop your heart from breaking.]
[Before Maxima can go any further, she shouts:]
No! Of course he would forgive you! You saved him! We didn't--we didn't know that the people who died would come back. You did the right thing, he's alive because of you.
You'd have gone and quietly died rather than letting us even try to help you! Do you really think the rest of us are so incapable of being any use?!
[He shakes his head grimly.]
To save his life, I broke his trust. He trusted me never to lean on the power that our past roles had given me, that my dissent meant I would set aside the command over others which the Empire considered my birthright. But I did. I chose to do just that. And neither of us has any right to tell him what he should feel about it.
[The reply comes automatically. It's a deep buried truth, one that Rose hasn't even dared to speak aloud for herself.]
I just, I didn't want to see the hurt in your eyes. What if I was past the point of saving? Was I just supposed to watch as I broke all of your hearts?
[She doesn't want to imagine it, even now. What happens when she tells Veldora the full extent of it? When she tells Takame? Wrio already has trouble trusting people, what if this breaks his trust again?]
Fine, but then you don't get to go and beat yourself up about it, either. If I'm not allowed to say he'll forgive you, you're not allowed to say that he won't.
What am I supposed to do? Takame is already nearly catatonic, I'm sure. Am I supposed to walk up to my brother and go, "I know you've been through hell time and time before, but I might be dying."
Am I supposed to go to all my friends here and explain how I'm afraid I'm turning into a monster? Am I supposed to tell them all how I nearly turned to a monster before, and I was barely saved? Since you know so much about how I should have handled this, Maxima, tell me--what would you have me do?
Perhaps you should have told him before things escalated to this point!
[He doesn't know what she should do about Takame now. That's between the two of them and their relationship. He's not even sure he has any relationship with Takame left right now.]
If you had done that, we all would have done everything in our power to comfort you, and help you. You've been doing this long enough to know that no one endures on their own forever without breaking.
[Again: did the Ilsabard Contingent teach her nothing?]
The fact that you didn't believe you could come to us...means that either you don't trust us when we tell you that we care for you, or you don't believe we're capable of doing things you cannot.
[The anger is starting to burn itself out, smoldering to embers and leaving a tired bitterness in its wake.]
So which one is it? Do you think we would cast you, our beloved friend, aside? Or do you think that you truly are the only one capable of solving problems while the rest of us can only watch helplessly?
And if I had, what would have changed!? We still would have ended up in that stupid carnival, and I still would have died. We wouldn't have known my soul would be in the crystal before then anyway--and you and Takame would still have had to watch!
[She learned a lot of things for the Islabard contingent. For example, she learned that if the person you hate the most in the world possesses your body and tries to kill your friends--]
[--Well, you still don't get a break, actually, because the world will end if you don't act right away.]
Have you considered that maybe it's not about you at all?
[She doesn't mean for it to come out that way, but it does.]
Have you considered that here, in this city, is the only place I've been allowed to be bloody normal for the last several years! The moment I got here, everybody stopped asking me to solve all the problems all the time.
I never wanted to be a hero--I wanted to go on adventures because it seemed fun, and then I lucked into surviving Ifrit, and here I am.
[She's starting to cry now, but the tears are angry. They're the tears of someone whose been pushed too far time and time again, someone who never actually took the time to examine her emotions. Someone who tried to put it all the side.]
You're right, I'm a coward. I didn't tell anyone because the moment I did, the whole illusion slips away. I can't be Rose who works as a secretary anymore. I can't be Rose who designs clothes anymore. I have to go back to being "Rose, who as a consequence to being the savior of the world, commits a heroic sacrifice and dies." "Rose, who as a savior of the world, transforms into a monster because she took on everyone's burdens because no one else could."
[She can't look at him right now. She doesn't want to look at herself, either.]
At least we would know what you were going through. At least we could try harder to keep you safe. Perhaps you wouldn't have had to die if we'd been able to look after you the way you needed.
[But he's calming down, just looking at her sadly now. He's never heard such sentiments from Rose, but they make perfect sense.]
...A true coward would have run away long before this. Rose... I'm sorry if those expectations have been burdensome. I never wanted to ask too much of you. That's why...all those around you do our best to ease your path. Because we ask you to carry too much for us, it's only fair that we give you all of the support we can in return. At least that's how I've always seen it.
But...you say that asking us for help would break the illusion? ...If I or anyone else close to you have been operating under illusions, then surely they should be broken, for everyone's good.
[He reaches out, hesitantly, to put a hand on her shoulder.]
If you want to be our equal, and not stand above us...then let us help you.
[She tries to stop the tears, but she cannot. The moment Maxima places a hand on her shoulder, the dam breaks.]
[‘We can share your burden.’ She’s heard it before. She’s heard it from people back home, and she’s heard it from people here.]
[But the people here didn’t—-couldn’t—-understand how much of a burden she’d had back on Etheirys. And the people back home—-there had always been an undercurrent, an understanding that they were doing this with the expectation she’d continue risking life and limb for them.]
[When she finishes, when she composes herself, she dries her eyes.]
Look at me, getting all upset when you have every reason to be mad at me.
[And then, after a beat—-she decides to be honest. It hurts, but that’s what Maxima needs.]
On the First, when I almost transformed into a Sineater—-the scions knew. At least, some of them did. But they didn’t tell me!
I kept absorbing and absorbing light and no one ever told me of the risks, because someone had planned to take it all away from me and go die between dimensions. I could feel myself getting sicker, I could feel that there was something wrong, but no one would tell me anything.
And I just—-I didn’t want to be the sacrificial lamb this time. And I thought: “If I don’t talk about it, if I don’t address it, I can keep just being myself.”
[He pulls her close and lets her cry. It's the least he can do; it's what was done for him, too, although the tone here is different. He's not thinking about why.]
That's...disappointing to hear. I've always had the greatest respect for all of your order. I had no idea they'd kept such a vital secret from you.
[Maybe they'd had their reasons at the time. Obviously the whole experience was traumatic for Rose, though.]
Given that background...I can understand, a little bit. But this isn't some burden that must be taken on by the Warrior of Light. This crystal, whatever it is, has nothing to do with your status in another world.
[He meets her gaze, soft and troubled, searching for the right words.]
You don't need to stop being yourself in order to acknowledge that something is happening to you. Please tell me at least Veldora knows.
Even so. They should have told you what you were being tasked with.
[But that's another world, other people, a different situation.]
...He needs to know the truth, Rose. I'd prefer if you told all of your friends, but him especially...it isn't a partnership between the two of you if you can't confide in him fully.
But no matter what you decide...now that I know, I'll do everything I can to help look for answers. Surely with all the knowledge and abilities found in this city, someone will be able to help you.
[He looks down at her, brow still furrowed with worry, and attempts a vague smile. It isn't all forgiven yet, but his anger was always out of concern.]
What else are friends for? And...take your time. I'm still forbidden from doing any actual work this week.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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But it hasn't. It's been months and it hasn't gotten better. And we were always going to worry about you when we found out, Rose.
[He looks away, a host of complicated emotions rising up, close to overwhelming him.]
And now... I don't- I don't know how much you'll have spoken to Takame since it all happened. I don't...know if he'll be speaking to people yet. Do you know what happened, between your death and your awakening?
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[it does not make it better. it does not make it better at all.]
I—-I have some idea. When I woke up in the crystal, I was aware. I couldn’t do anything, I kept trying to shout for him to notice me, I kept trying to tell him I was okay, but I was trapped. I know that he was in a panic, and then he almost ran off before—-
[She doesn’t want to say it, so she looks away:]
I’m sorry, Maxima. That you had to go through all that.
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[Did she learn nothing from the Final Days, from watching people turn to monsters in the midst of crowds of innocents? Would she really accept that sort of ending, just to save her friends a few months of justified concern?]
Rose...Takame wanted to find your body. To use the crystal to put your soul back into it.
[He doesn't know that that's how the Scions were brought back from the First, but maybe Rose can guess why Takame hoped that might work.]
To keep him from running away into the jungle and getting killed the same way you had been, I had to give him orders. As an officer to a conscript.
[He looks away again, curling in on himself.]
If he never forgives me for that, he'd be justified.
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[When she says it that way, it seems kind of stupid.]
[Because it is.]
I-I know. I wasn't sure it was you, but I could hear someone from outside the crystal.
[Being a small rock gives you a limited range of hearing, it turns out. But it doesn't stop you from feeling, and it doesn't stop your heart from breaking.]
[Before Maxima can go any further, she shouts:]
No! Of course he would forgive you! You saved him! We didn't--we didn't know that the people who died would come back. You did the right thing, he's alive because of you.
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[He shakes his head grimly.]
To save his life, I broke his trust. He trusted me never to lean on the power that our past roles had given me, that my dissent meant I would set aside the command over others which the Empire considered my birthright. But I did. I chose to do just that. And neither of us has any right to tell him what he should feel about it.
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[The reply comes automatically. It's a deep buried truth, one that Rose hasn't even dared to speak aloud for herself.]
I just, I didn't want to see the hurt in your eyes. What if I was past the point of saving? Was I just supposed to watch as I broke all of your hearts?
[She doesn't want to imagine it, even now. What happens when she tells Veldora the full extent of it? When she tells Takame? Wrio already has trouble trusting people, what if this breaks his trust again?]
Fine, but then you don't get to go and beat yourself up about it, either. If I'm not allowed to say he'll forgive you, you're not allowed to say that he won't.
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[He's too angry to articulate that what seems like humility has reached the point of abandoning responsibility.]
So you would run. You would run away and break our hearts regardless, but at least then you wouldn't have to see the effect of your choices.
[Coward, he doesn't say aloud, but the fury in his stare is conveying it well enough anyway.]
cw terminal illnessish
[She is a coward! She is running away!]
What am I supposed to do? Takame is already nearly catatonic, I'm sure. Am I supposed to walk up to my brother and go, "I know you've been through hell time and time before, but I might be dying."
Am I supposed to go to all my friends here and explain how I'm afraid I'm turning into a monster? Am I supposed to tell them all how I nearly turned to a monster before, and I was barely saved? Since you know so much about how I should have handled this, Maxima, tell me--what would you have me do?
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[He doesn't know what she should do about Takame now. That's between the two of them and their relationship. He's not even sure he has any relationship with Takame left right now.]
If you had done that, we all would have done everything in our power to comfort you, and help you. You've been doing this long enough to know that no one endures on their own forever without breaking.
[Again: did the Ilsabard Contingent teach her nothing?]
The fact that you didn't believe you could come to us...means that either you don't trust us when we tell you that we care for you, or you don't believe we're capable of doing things you cannot.
[The anger is starting to burn itself out, smoldering to embers and leaving a tired bitterness in its wake.]
So which one is it? Do you think we would cast you, our beloved friend, aside? Or do you think that you truly are the only one capable of solving problems while the rest of us can only watch helplessly?
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[She learned a lot of things for the Islabard contingent. For example, she learned that if the person you hate the most in the world possesses your body and tries to kill your friends--]
[--Well, you still don't get a break, actually, because the world will end if you don't act right away.]
Have you considered that maybe it's not about you at all?
[She doesn't mean for it to come out that way, but it does.]
Have you considered that here, in this city, is the only place I've been allowed to be bloody normal for the last several years! The moment I got here, everybody stopped asking me to solve all the problems all the time.
I never wanted to be a hero--I wanted to go on adventures because it seemed fun, and then I lucked into surviving Ifrit, and here I am.
[She's starting to cry now, but the tears are angry. They're the tears of someone whose been pushed too far time and time again, someone who never actually took the time to examine her emotions. Someone who tried to put it all the side.]
You're right, I'm a coward. I didn't tell anyone because the moment I did, the whole illusion slips away. I can't be Rose who works as a secretary anymore. I can't be Rose who designs clothes anymore. I have to go back to being "Rose, who as a consequence to being the savior of the world, commits a heroic sacrifice and dies." "Rose, who as a savior of the world, transforms into a monster because she took on everyone's burdens because no one else could."
[She can't look at him right now. She doesn't want to look at herself, either.]
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[But he's calming down, just looking at her sadly now. He's never heard such sentiments from Rose, but they make perfect sense.]
...A true coward would have run away long before this. Rose... I'm sorry if those expectations have been burdensome. I never wanted to ask too much of you. That's why...all those around you do our best to ease your path. Because we ask you to carry too much for us, it's only fair that we give you all of the support we can in return. At least that's how I've always seen it.
But...you say that asking us for help would break the illusion? ...If I or anyone else close to you have been operating under illusions, then surely they should be broken, for everyone's good.
[He reaches out, hesitantly, to put a hand on her shoulder.]
If you want to be our equal, and not stand above us...then let us help you.
cw: illness | suicide ideation
[‘We can share your burden.’ She’s heard it before. She’s heard it from people back home, and she’s heard it from people here.]
[But the people here didn’t—-couldn’t—-understand how much of a burden she’d had back on Etheirys. And the people back home—-there had always been an undercurrent, an understanding that they were doing this with the expectation she’d continue risking life and limb for them.]
[When she finishes, when she composes herself, she dries her eyes.]
Look at me, getting all upset when you have every reason to be mad at me.
[And then, after a beat—-she decides to be honest. It hurts, but that’s what Maxima needs.]
On the First, when I almost transformed into a Sineater—-the scions knew. At least, some of them did. But they didn’t tell me!
I kept absorbing and absorbing light and no one ever told me of the risks, because someone had planned to take it all away from me and go die between dimensions. I could feel myself getting sicker, I could feel that there was something wrong, but no one would tell me anything.
And I just—-I didn’t want to be the sacrificial lamb this time. And I thought: “If I don’t talk about it, if I don’t address it, I can keep just being myself.”
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He's not thinking about why.]That's...disappointing to hear. I've always had the greatest respect for all of your order. I had no idea they'd kept such a vital secret from you.
[Maybe they'd had their reasons at the time. Obviously the whole experience was traumatic for Rose, though.]
Given that background...I can understand, a little bit. But this isn't some burden that must be taken on by the Warrior of Light. This crystal, whatever it is, has nothing to do with your status in another world.
[He meets her gaze, soft and troubled, searching for the right words.]
You don't need to stop being yourself in order to acknowledge that something is happening to you. Please tell me at least Veldora knows.
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[She’s not going to share the bad timeline with Maxima. He doesn’t need to know that.]
But, it didn’t stop it from hurting, you know? And things always moved so fast—-we never got to talk about it, I never got to be upset.
[Her expression softens, at least a little bit.]
I can be upset here, though. And—-I know I’m not turning into a sineater at least, so there’s something.
[At the mention of Veldora’s name, Rose freezes up.]
I did. I showed him the wings when they showed up, and he knows I haven’t been able to eat.
[She takes a deep breath.]
I told him it wasn’t anything serious. He believed me.
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[But that's another world, other people, a different situation.]
...He needs to know the truth, Rose. I'd prefer if you told all of your friends, but him especially...it isn't a partnership between the two of you if you can't confide in him fully.
But no matter what you decide...now that I know, I'll do everything I can to help look for answers. Surely with all the knowledge and abilities found in this city, someone will be able to help you.
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[Rose takes a moment to consider it. For all her faults, for all the tears, she does seem to be genuinely listening to Maxima.]
If—-if something were to happen to me, it would be worse if I didn’t tell him.
[She’s not going to think about the property damage.]
I can’t promise I’ll tell everyone, but there are some I know I can. I have to—-I have to tell Takame, at least. And Wrio and Furina.
[And then, after a moment.]
Thank you, Maxima. Truly.
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What else are friends for? And...take your time. I'm still forbidden from doing any actual work this week.