And if I had, what would have changed!? We still would have ended up in that stupid carnival, and I still would have died. We wouldn't have known my soul would be in the crystal before then anyway--and you and Takame would still have had to watch!
[She learned a lot of things for the Islabard contingent. For example, she learned that if the person you hate the most in the world possesses your body and tries to kill your friends--]
[--Well, you still don't get a break, actually, because the world will end if you don't act right away.]
Have you considered that maybe it's not about you at all?
[She doesn't mean for it to come out that way, but it does.]
Have you considered that here, in this city, is the only place I've been allowed to be bloody normal for the last several years! The moment I got here, everybody stopped asking me to solve all the problems all the time.
I never wanted to be a hero--I wanted to go on adventures because it seemed fun, and then I lucked into surviving Ifrit, and here I am.
[She's starting to cry now, but the tears are angry. They're the tears of someone whose been pushed too far time and time again, someone who never actually took the time to examine her emotions. Someone who tried to put it all the side.]
You're right, I'm a coward. I didn't tell anyone because the moment I did, the whole illusion slips away. I can't be Rose who works as a secretary anymore. I can't be Rose who designs clothes anymore. I have to go back to being "Rose, who as a consequence to being the savior of the world, commits a heroic sacrifice and dies." "Rose, who as a savior of the world, transforms into a monster because she took on everyone's burdens because no one else could."
[She can't look at him right now. She doesn't want to look at herself, either.]
At least we would know what you were going through. At least we could try harder to keep you safe. Perhaps you wouldn't have had to die if we'd been able to look after you the way you needed.
[But he's calming down, just looking at her sadly now. He's never heard such sentiments from Rose, but they make perfect sense.]
...A true coward would have run away long before this. Rose... I'm sorry if those expectations have been burdensome. I never wanted to ask too much of you. That's why...all those around you do our best to ease your path. Because we ask you to carry too much for us, it's only fair that we give you all of the support we can in return. At least that's how I've always seen it.
But...you say that asking us for help would break the illusion? ...If I or anyone else close to you have been operating under illusions, then surely they should be broken, for everyone's good.
[He reaches out, hesitantly, to put a hand on her shoulder.]
If you want to be our equal, and not stand above us...then let us help you.
[She tries to stop the tears, but she cannot. The moment Maxima places a hand on her shoulder, the dam breaks.]
[‘We can share your burden.’ She’s heard it before. She’s heard it from people back home, and she’s heard it from people here.]
[But the people here didn’t—-couldn’t—-understand how much of a burden she’d had back on Etheirys. And the people back home—-there had always been an undercurrent, an understanding that they were doing this with the expectation she’d continue risking life and limb for them.]
[When she finishes, when she composes herself, she dries her eyes.]
Look at me, getting all upset when you have every reason to be mad at me.
[And then, after a beat—-she decides to be honest. It hurts, but that’s what Maxima needs.]
On the First, when I almost transformed into a Sineater—-the scions knew. At least, some of them did. But they didn’t tell me!
I kept absorbing and absorbing light and no one ever told me of the risks, because someone had planned to take it all away from me and go die between dimensions. I could feel myself getting sicker, I could feel that there was something wrong, but no one would tell me anything.
And I just—-I didn’t want to be the sacrificial lamb this time. And I thought: “If I don’t talk about it, if I don’t address it, I can keep just being myself.”
[He pulls her close and lets her cry. It's the least he can do; it's what was done for him, too, although the tone here is different. He's not thinking about why.]
That's...disappointing to hear. I've always had the greatest respect for all of your order. I had no idea they'd kept such a vital secret from you.
[Maybe they'd had their reasons at the time. Obviously the whole experience was traumatic for Rose, though.]
Given that background...I can understand, a little bit. But this isn't some burden that must be taken on by the Warrior of Light. This crystal, whatever it is, has nothing to do with your status in another world.
[He meets her gaze, soft and troubled, searching for the right words.]
You don't need to stop being yourself in order to acknowledge that something is happening to you. Please tell me at least Veldora knows.
Even so. They should have told you what you were being tasked with.
[But that's another world, other people, a different situation.]
...He needs to know the truth, Rose. I'd prefer if you told all of your friends, but him especially...it isn't a partnership between the two of you if you can't confide in him fully.
But no matter what you decide...now that I know, I'll do everything I can to help look for answers. Surely with all the knowledge and abilities found in this city, someone will be able to help you.
[He looks down at her, brow still furrowed with worry, and attempts a vague smile. It isn't all forgiven yet, but his anger was always out of concern.]
What else are friends for? And...take your time. I'm still forbidden from doing any actual work this week.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[She learned a lot of things for the Islabard contingent. For example, she learned that if the person you hate the most in the world possesses your body and tries to kill your friends--]
[--Well, you still don't get a break, actually, because the world will end if you don't act right away.]
Have you considered that maybe it's not about you at all?
[She doesn't mean for it to come out that way, but it does.]
Have you considered that here, in this city, is the only place I've been allowed to be bloody normal for the last several years! The moment I got here, everybody stopped asking me to solve all the problems all the time.
I never wanted to be a hero--I wanted to go on adventures because it seemed fun, and then I lucked into surviving Ifrit, and here I am.
[She's starting to cry now, but the tears are angry. They're the tears of someone whose been pushed too far time and time again, someone who never actually took the time to examine her emotions. Someone who tried to put it all the side.]
You're right, I'm a coward. I didn't tell anyone because the moment I did, the whole illusion slips away. I can't be Rose who works as a secretary anymore. I can't be Rose who designs clothes anymore. I have to go back to being "Rose, who as a consequence to being the savior of the world, commits a heroic sacrifice and dies." "Rose, who as a savior of the world, transforms into a monster because she took on everyone's burdens because no one else could."
[She can't look at him right now. She doesn't want to look at herself, either.]
no subject
[But he's calming down, just looking at her sadly now. He's never heard such sentiments from Rose, but they make perfect sense.]
...A true coward would have run away long before this. Rose... I'm sorry if those expectations have been burdensome. I never wanted to ask too much of you. That's why...all those around you do our best to ease your path. Because we ask you to carry too much for us, it's only fair that we give you all of the support we can in return. At least that's how I've always seen it.
But...you say that asking us for help would break the illusion? ...If I or anyone else close to you have been operating under illusions, then surely they should be broken, for everyone's good.
[He reaches out, hesitantly, to put a hand on her shoulder.]
If you want to be our equal, and not stand above us...then let us help you.
cw: illness | suicide ideation
[‘We can share your burden.’ She’s heard it before. She’s heard it from people back home, and she’s heard it from people here.]
[But the people here didn’t—-couldn’t—-understand how much of a burden she’d had back on Etheirys. And the people back home—-there had always been an undercurrent, an understanding that they were doing this with the expectation she’d continue risking life and limb for them.]
[When she finishes, when she composes herself, she dries her eyes.]
Look at me, getting all upset when you have every reason to be mad at me.
[And then, after a beat—-she decides to be honest. It hurts, but that’s what Maxima needs.]
On the First, when I almost transformed into a Sineater—-the scions knew. At least, some of them did. But they didn’t tell me!
I kept absorbing and absorbing light and no one ever told me of the risks, because someone had planned to take it all away from me and go die between dimensions. I could feel myself getting sicker, I could feel that there was something wrong, but no one would tell me anything.
And I just—-I didn’t want to be the sacrificial lamb this time. And I thought: “If I don’t talk about it, if I don’t address it, I can keep just being myself.”
no subject
He's not thinking about why.]That's...disappointing to hear. I've always had the greatest respect for all of your order. I had no idea they'd kept such a vital secret from you.
[Maybe they'd had their reasons at the time. Obviously the whole experience was traumatic for Rose, though.]
Given that background...I can understand, a little bit. But this isn't some burden that must be taken on by the Warrior of Light. This crystal, whatever it is, has nothing to do with your status in another world.
[He meets her gaze, soft and troubled, searching for the right words.]
You don't need to stop being yourself in order to acknowledge that something is happening to you. Please tell me at least Veldora knows.
no subject
[She’s not going to share the bad timeline with Maxima. He doesn’t need to know that.]
But, it didn’t stop it from hurting, you know? And things always moved so fast—-we never got to talk about it, I never got to be upset.
[Her expression softens, at least a little bit.]
I can be upset here, though. And—-I know I’m not turning into a sineater at least, so there’s something.
[At the mention of Veldora’s name, Rose freezes up.]
I did. I showed him the wings when they showed up, and he knows I haven’t been able to eat.
[She takes a deep breath.]
I told him it wasn’t anything serious. He believed me.
no subject
[But that's another world, other people, a different situation.]
...He needs to know the truth, Rose. I'd prefer if you told all of your friends, but him especially...it isn't a partnership between the two of you if you can't confide in him fully.
But no matter what you decide...now that I know, I'll do everything I can to help look for answers. Surely with all the knowledge and abilities found in this city, someone will be able to help you.
no subject
[Rose takes a moment to consider it. For all her faults, for all the tears, she does seem to be genuinely listening to Maxima.]
If—-if something were to happen to me, it would be worse if I didn’t tell him.
[She’s not going to think about the property damage.]
I can’t promise I’ll tell everyone, but there are some I know I can. I have to—-I have to tell Takame, at least. And Wrio and Furina.
[And then, after a moment.]
Thank you, Maxima. Truly.
no subject
What else are friends for? And...take your time. I'm still forbidden from doing any actual work this week.